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June 5, 2011
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(Contains: sexual themes)
Pirates of the Equestrian Mane
Written by Pineapple Skitter
Edited by Morkskittar


Chapter 2: All hands on Deck

        Seeing nothing behind her, Twilight turned back to Fluttershy... who gestured behind her again, this time with both forehooves.

        "Sh-sh-sh-ship!" She squeaked, and a lightbulb flickered on over the unicorn's head.

        "Oh, SHIP! I didn't think you were that kind of pony, Fluttershy, but there's not much else to do out here."

        Leaning forward into what she now realised was a crude attempt at hugging, Twilight's lips closed around the yellow pegasus' muzzle, before twisting slightly and pushing forward.

        Watching the two fillies tenderly exploring each other's throats, Pinky Pie turned back to the multicoloured filly huddled on the deck.

        "Oh Dashie, the power of love will heal you!" The pink pony grinned broadly, lips parting to reveal an even pinker tongue. "Either you're coming up now, or I'm going down..."

        Watching the earth pony dive forward Applejack turned round to Rarity, shrugging slightly.

        "Ah suppose if you can't beat 'em, join 'em?"

        Distracted from her salt-encrusted coat and clothes, Rarity turned around with a wicked twinkle in her eye.

        "Oh, my DEAR Applejack. I DO believe that we can do both!"

        Before the orange pony had a chance to process theses words magic had hogtied her legs and gagged her with a piece of sopping wet cloth.

        "Who's a silly pony? YOU'RE a silly pony..."

        Balanced precariously across Rarity's legs, the filly gasped as she felt a stinging sense across her rump, before allowing herself to drift off into pleasure.

        Suddenly from far above there was a thunderous fanfare of trumpets, and the six looked up to see blue box descending from the heavens. Alighting gently on the deck of their makeshift raft, the doors flew open to reveal a finely proportioned stallion with grand wings of deepest green, with an equally impressive horn adorning his head.

        "It appears that Hardwood Deck has appeared just in time."

        He gave a knowing wink.

        "I see you were even nice enough to warm up without me!"

        The self-insert original character leapt out of the doors, gliding forward then landing gracefully amongst the enraptured fillies.
________________

        That's the first draft of chapter two done! Well... not really. I wasn't really planning on making this a heavy shipping story (other than having the main cast on a boat), but everyone has a ship they HAVE to write, and this was mine. I'm sure there's a grimdark and sci-fi part itch that I'll need to scratch at some point too, but this is enough for now.

        To reiterate, this ISN'T chapter two, but just something I did for a giggle and thought I'd upload to see people's reactions. Hopefully positive, but you never know...

        ...and why the TARDIS? Well, it's clearly the sexiest of spacecraft. Although technically I suppose some of the Slannesh daemon-ships might fill that role.

        Anyway, onto the retcon!

        "But... but the fillies!" Hardwood looked through the fourth wall, suddenly aware that his plans were about to be changed.

        "Can't you write a bit more first? I mean... LOOK AT THEM!"

        I'm sorry Hardwood, but no. Not everyone in the fandom likes cloppy shippings, doubly so with O.C.'s, and triply so for Mary Sue's. Sorry mate, better luck next time eh?

        "PLEASE?! I mean... they're RIGHT THERE!!!!"

        The stallion was panicking, this was an opportunity of a lifetime and it was streaming past his amber eyes.

        No. Look, we've discussed this Hardwood. Your sole purpose is to enrage people with Mary Sue shipping, and possibly have a minor role in the main story. Oh, and you're also there so I can make a "all hands on Deck" pun, and feel terribly proud of myself. Which I need, after writing terrible cloppy shipping.

        "NO. I REFUSE! I WILL SHIP!"

        Really? Well, if that's the way you truly feel...
________________

        Glad that he had put his foot down, Hardwood turned back around, and saw that Pinkie Pie was sauntering towards him. There was an odd look in her eyes though that sent shivers threw his spine.

        "Oh... HELLO Hardwood. I'm been wanting to meet you so VERY much."

        Twitch.

        "You're not here to try and take Dashie from me, are you? I mean... that would be MEAN!"

        Twitch.

        Nervous giggle.

        A curious looking implement appeared in her right forehoof, and she continued the advance as her eyes twisted to focus on something only she could see.

        Deck looked at it confused, and then cold realisation flooded through his body as thoughts on what the device was for crowded his mind.

        "OKAY! I'M SORRY! YOU'RE RIGHT! THE SHIPPING IDEA WAS TERRIBLE!"

        "Aww..."

        Twitch.

        "Can't you let him stay just a LITTLE bit longer?"

        But Deck was already through the TARDIS doors, his body shrinking to a normal foal's proportions with the wings and horn shrinking away to nothing. The time machine faded from existence as Pinky advanced, then disappeared with a haunting wail. Hmm... I wonder if I can somehow make the raft haunted by a whale? Oh puns, how I love thee.
________________

        Right, everything here is canon, and Hardwood has now transformed himself into a normal foal and used the TARDIS to go back in time and put the plot back on track! Oh, and I think that's the RANDOM itch scratched suitably. Isn't that right Pinkie?

        The pink earth pony had by now returned to normal, and she shook her head up and down rapidly in agreement.

        "Yep!"

        Glad you agree.
Please donít kill me, please donít kill me, please donít kill me... it was late, I was tired, and the less my brain functions the more I find myself hilarious. Unless I get an overwhelmingly positive response then this is a chapter unlikely to be repeated, although I was surprised to find that my editor thought it was worth uploading! Donít take it out on him if it wasnít...

...and the Equstria Daily [link] crowd seem to be responding favourably to it, so it can't be all bad ;)

Warning for objectionable content in the first section, and if you REALLY don't want to read it then you can skip onto chapter 3 without missing much/any of the story.

Same as last time, praise, fanmail, ego-strokings, constructive criticism and general comments in the section below, while those of you who like the editing can go to [link] and buy books from him!

Until chapter 3 then...

(unrelated: while sticking up a warning, I see that there's a box marked "nudity". Should I tick that for all the MLP:FIM stuff? Perhaps "ideologically sensitive" as well? Who knows...)
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